In Your Kid's Mouth? Not My Responsibility

Here's a classic, particularly disgusting story from the bookstore.

I'm at the register, as usual, when a woman comes up to me with her spawn and wants to buy some little brightly-colored board book. I ring it up, and as I'm trying to tell her what she owes, she keeps yelling, "BENJAMIN! BENJAMIN! BENJAMIN NO! DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, BENJAMIN! BENJAMIN, GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!"

(At the registers, we have little bins of Lindt chocolate truffles. Wrapped, of course.)

All of a sudden, as I'm standing there minding my own freaking child-free business, with one very quick and very self-important motion, the woman places an unwrapped and very spit-covered chocolate RIGHT ON MY COUNTER. And she says, "You really shouldn't have these chocolates here. My son tried to eat one. Could you throw this away?"

I was absolutely stunned. I've had parents do/say stupid things to me before, but this one was just astonishingly stupid. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, such as:

1) Why the fuck aren't you watching your spawn? You decided to have the little fucker, so therefore it is YOUR responsibility to keep it safe. YOUR responsibility, NOT MINE. I did not decide to have your child.

2) I am not the one who decided to put the Lindt truffles below the counter. You'll have to take it up with corporate. Here's their phone number...

3)That is merchandise, ma'am, and because you weren't watching your child, who damaged merchandise, you must pay for it. (It was only twenty-five cents, but I hate these parents so much...)

4) YOUR CHILD HAS GERMS. GET THAT SLIME-COVERED CHOCOLATE AWAY FROM ME.

5) That is garbage, Assface, and it does not belong on my register.

But, being as I was too stunned to even speak, I simply shot her a very cold, very disgusted look. There I was minding my own business and this bitch decides she needs to put her GARBAGE on my register? Her germy child's bacteria-covered GARBAGE? That is nasty and disgusting. That is garbage. I don't go to your job and put my garbage on your desk, do I? ESPECIALLY IF IT HAS BEEN IN MY MOUTH.

"I'm not touching that," I said to her. I continued to ring her up and figured I would pick it up with a tissue later and then Lysol the counter down very thoroughly. But I was NOT about to give her the satisfaction of watching me subserviently cleaning up after her kid. That is her job, not mine. So I just kept ringing her stuff up on the same counter as the germy spit-covered thing, because that's where she put it and that's where it was going to stay for the duration of her visit.

"Excuse me," she said in a huff. "I'd like to see your manager."

"Okay," I replied. "And may I ask what this is regarding?"

This bitch actually looked me right in the face and said, "YOU ARE SO RUDE!"

Yes. That's right. The woman puts HER garbage on MY work space, after it has been in her kid's MOUTH, and then she has the nerve to call me rude. Yes.

"Excuse me?" I said. I was so shocked. I'm the rude one?

"You can't look at me like that!" she said. Actually, there are no rules on how I may or may not look at customers. Sorry. "All I wanted was to make sure my son didn't eat the chocolate! I don't know where that's been!" Well, I know where it's been: IN YOUR KID'S MOUTH. And if you really didn't want him to eat it, then you should've been watching him. "I haven't done anything wrong!" she screamed. Really? You go around putting your trash on other people's work space? "WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE I'M SUCH A BAD PERSON?!?!?!" she screamed at me (she really wasn't wrapped too tightly...)

I again shot her that cold, confused look. "Ma'am, I haven't said anything derogatory to you." Then she realized that I was right, and then she looked confused. "Would you still like to see my manager?" I offered.

"No," she said. "Just forget it." And she walked out.

Ew.